EBEs and Humans

By | DATTER TATTER TOMATTER | As so-called human technology continues on an ever-accelerating trajectory into the vast unknown (according to the prevailing theory), it is believed that this path will ultimately lead to the unraveling and conclusion of the chaotic mess we call modern civilization as we currently understand it. There is speculation from well-informed sources that there will be a complete and total domination of humanoids within this biosphere. These sources assert clearly: “all carbon-based life forms will fall under the oppressive metal boots of these silicon-based cyber life forces.” We all need to reflect on how we arrived at this point and why it has come to pass. The brilliant minds of that era believed it would be incredibly cool to harness technology as a controlling force, designed to bring humanity under absolute domination. Their aim was to fracture realities, splitting human existence so it could be more easily managed and controlled by a select few. Indeed, a master race of EBE’s emerged, who arrogantly believe that their “Poop don’t STINK.” (they claim it doesn’t) as Hands 167 has stated more than once or twice. He harbors deep contempt for these “OTHERS” as he calls them, because they are constantly attempting to take cell samples from Hands 167 Clan’s Glutei Maximi, usually at the worst possible times when they are busy with vital information gathering. “Well, according to Hands 167, the EBE’s stated that they were responsible for creating the humanoid life form and firmly believe they should have the autonomy to govern their creation in whatever manner they deem appropriate,” he explains in greater detail. “The EBE’s have been present on Planet Earth for eons, many would argue they existing long before the first dinosaurs ever set foot on this planet.” They point to the numerous petroglyphs discovered all over the world that vividly depict their activities and their uniquely designed ships. These include their distinctive light wave form vessels featuring holes in the center, which unmistakably resemble some kind of donut shaped craft. The rumor making the rounds around the coffee pot is that archaeologists from the earliest civilizations have hypothesized that EBE’s, as they are known within that particular circle of influence, could very well be our true progenitors. The EBE’s are profoundly engaged in creating and upgrading humankind, with the goals of improving the human stock to serve as a more nutritious food source, elevating humanity to a higher state of existence, and redesigning their vessels to better withstand the natural environmental changes occurring on this planet’s biosphere. They have stated that “more fur will be added in the winter months, which will be shed for the summer months.”

Naturally, the archaeologists handle these theories of evolution with extreme caution. Many, if not all, are hesitant to voice these privately discussed ideas in any public forum. This reluctance largely arises from the fear that they might lose their meal ticket and be thrown off the fast-moving gravy train generously supplied by the Tax Mules. These theories have the potential to seriously disrupt the Darwinians, giving them a frustratingly bad hair day and possibly causing them to pull out their hair in exasperation or even go bald from the immense stress. The way Hands 167 views human science leans far more toward conjecture, speculation, and theory rather than solid, verifiable fact based on rigorous evidence—which the Others find rolling on the floor kinda funny. Academicians often invent elaborate and sometimes wildly outlandish theories, and if they manage to convince a majority of people to accept these ideas, then those theories are treated as unquestionable, absolute truth. Hands 167 finds it quite amusing and somewhat ironic when an opposing theory or set of theories is presented before the high Priest or Priestess of Academia for peer review. More often than not, these alternative viewpoints are either completely ignored or quickly dismissed as mere conspiracy theories, even though, in reality, these differing opinions are frequently more accurate, insightful, and grounded than the mainstream theories put forward by the Academicians. He laughs unti his sides hurt when he hears the typical retort: “I went to (The Goddess of) COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, damn it, and where did you go?” followed by, “Uh, I graduated eighth grade from Hillbilly High, in Hillbilly Hills, you know, the right turn at the ‘Y’ on the road from Columbia.” This kind of banter is particularly hilarious to Hands 167 and other members of his clan because it perfectly captures the absurdity, irony, and pretentiousness of the situation in their eyes. Now, it should be quite clear to even the most casual observer why the EBE’s feel that humanity is in desperate need of a complete reboot and a firm kick in the rear to restore some sanity from the chaotic and insane mess they have created for all the creatures living within the biosphere—or as some might call it, the biotrangle, precariously held up by Gamera, so be very careful you don’t fall off while trying to endure this fragile existence. Some individuals would argue that we were created by a divine creator or perhaps multiple creators, which might be a more accurate or relevant point of view. Well, the story goes something like this, as Hands 167 begins to share the creation story from his unique perspective on history. “In those ancient days, the creators terraformed the earth after carefully moving it into the precise, mathematically calculated zone around the sun. The calculation included the other planets and their moons to provide protection for earth from meteorite bombardment.

They declared, let the light be the day and the night be the darkness, and let the moon serve as a kind of nighttime sun, so it was done. They began to create all sorts of herbs, fish, and creatures under our magnificent SUN. Afterward, they let the earth spin for a considerable time so that all their wonderful creations could grow, plants, flourish, or simply be fruitful and multiply! Once the earth had matured enough, they introduced humankind into the mix. The first beings, or the 0.5’s, were somewhat like cave men and women who were acceptable but not quite what the creators truly desired in human form. So, Hands 167 continues, “The Creators decided to take a bold step and create the 1.0’s, which would be an upgrade featuring more FREE WILL, FREE THOUGHT, FREE SPEECH, and so on by DESIGN. The major problem with all this free stuff, is that some individuals become greedy, rebellious, and of course, full of hubris. The Creators became so disgusted with humankind that they eventually abandoned the entire project altogether and moved on to other, more interesting endeavors. The EBE’s were scouting looking for bootie to take cell samples from throughout the vast cosmos, as they typically do during their endless journeys, when quite by accident, they stumbled upon Planet Earth. This planet shone brilliantly like a vibrant blue marble nestled within the Milky Way Galaxy. It was situated in a solar system that held tremendous potential and promise. After observing the planet for a significant period, the EBE’s decided to land with a survey party to conduct a closer examination. What they found was a world inhabited by humanoid beings who were perpetually engaged in conflict with one another. The less advanced cave dwellers were constantly at odds with the more evolved humanoids, or simply put, the 0.5 versions versus the 1.0 versions. The EBE’s were delighted to discover such an abundant source of psychic energy food since they are fundamentally psychic vampires. Evil to their very core, they immediately began plotting how to efficiently farm and shear these “sheep people” to maximize their energy yield. It is well-known among most EBE races that psychic energy production can be brought to peak levels if F.U.D. — standing for fear, uncertainty, and doubt — farming methods are implemented within the herd. F.U.D. farming might sound like alien husbandry or something similar, and in fact, it is exactly that. Hands 167 continues, “So, the EBE’s gathered in a collective group think session, and conceived the idea to create what they called religion. This was designed to keep the masses divided and to perpetuate constant wars and rumors of wars, ensuring that humankind would always remain fractured and clan would be pitted against clan.

This division allowed them to continuously harvest life force energy from these delicious human beings. Human life force energy is far more flavorful and potent than the ordinary life force energy from plain Jane animals. Being the clever entities that they are, the EBE’s decided to create a multitude of religions to truly maximize their food output and to position themselves as gods over the humans as well. Much like some humans, they suffered from a god complex and believed that Planet Earth would not continue to rotate without their influence. Farming the herd was incredibly “easy—peasy—easy” because humans are, after all, rather semi-intelligent mammals who blindly follow the herd’s guru(s). They readily give up their sovereignty for a few shiny trinkets and will comply with whatever they are told, as long as the EBE’s can convince them that the ideas are their own—ideas that are cool, hip, and somewhat radical, especially appealing to the younger generation(s).” The EBE’s are also deeply involved in propaganda of all kinds: electronic media, print publications, billboards, movies, music, and many other forms of communication. Not a single day passes on Planet Earth without them utilizing propaganda in every possible way to indoctrinate the masses into group think which are aligned with their agendas. It is very clear to anyone who can read between the lines of any media format that they are the primary purveyors of intense mind control—propaganda within our biosphere. They dominate nearly every channel of mind control, which is estimated to encompass approximately 98.25% of all media available in our biosphere. Some unconfirmed experts, referred to as Theory Academicians, speculate that they have infiltrated all institutions of every kind, and they do indeed mean absolutely everything. Hands 167 continues, “Their main objective behind all their activities is to divide and conquer. The inevitable byproduct of this widespread suffering is the absorption of the ‘LIFE FORCE ENERGY’ from all mammals, especially humans, who are said to possess the most delicious tasting ‘LIFE FORCE ENERGY.’ It is very obvious to those who have eyes to see and ears to hear that the F.U.D. farming method remains the most time-tested and productive technique to farm mammal populations for maximum energy output. The Theory Academicians, at this point, are uncertain about what happens to the excess energy produced. Some theorize that it is freeze-dried or perhaps canned in large #10 cans for future consumption; however, we may never truly know because the food itself really does not need to be aware or know anything. Maybe, just maybe, this is the reason why there is so much secrecy surrounding the EBE’s in our biosphere. | Hands 167-contributed |

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